Rant by Gene
I listen to a handful of podcasts of varying genre. Christian apologetics podcasts, movie review podcasts… actually, that’s about it, so I’m not near as diverse as I thought. Anyway, Battleship Pretension is one of those movie review podcasts I love. Tyler Smith (guest reviewer here) and David Bax discuss film, and on episode 405 recently David shared how irked he gets when people talk during the credits. That doesn’t bother me personally, but it did get me thinking about what does.
I’m sure you’ve all heard of the seven deadly sins. If not, watch the movie Se7en, or just read Proverbs 6:16-19 if you don’t have two hours of free time. You’ll notice that the sins from Se7en don’t exactly line up with that scripture, but nevermind that I’ve got a blog post to write. I thought it would be fitting to come up with the seven (not so) deadly sins of the theater-going experience. You should’ve read that last sentence with a booming echo and a “Dunt-Dut-DUHHHHH!!!”
Okay, here goes…
1) Talking during the movie
The most obvious and egregious of all theater-going sins. If you don’t have the respect for those around you to remain quiet then just wait for the rental and enjoy the movie at home. Save us all the awkward moment of deciding when to tell you to zip it.
2) Obnoxious laughter
Movies can be funny. I get it. We’re all laughing together and enjoying ourselves. But it’s not a competition on who can laugh the loudest or the longest. And don’t tell me, “that’s just how I laugh”. You’re a human being, not a donkey.
3) Multiple bathroom breaks
Know thy bladder. If you can’t handle a 32 oz. soda without needing to relieve yourself between sips then here’s a crazy idea; don’t get the soda! Actually, I swear by the salted popcorn principle. If you get a drink be sure to also get salted popcorn. Eat half that popcorn before you take your first drink. That salt gets into your system and helps your body retain the liquid longer, leading to less walking down the aisle and in front of the screen to interrupt my movie! You’re welcome.
4) Loud talking during trailers
There are occasions when I’m equally excited about a trailer before a movie as I am the movie itself. Many people treat this time pretty flippantly. It’s the first excuse given for arriving late. “All I missed was the trailers”. Yeah, well, I happen to like the trailers and so do a lot of people that actually got here on time. Your theater experience really begins with that first green screen notifying you of who that trailer is approved for. You know who it’s not approved for? People carrying on their conversations like they’re walking through a mall!
Full disclosure here, I’ve been guilty of this before. In my defense, I always tried to finish them before the movie started. But alas, I’ve gotten wiser with age about this. We’re not at a baseball game. This isn’t your dining room. People want to hear what’s on the screen, not what’s going into my mouth.
6) Kicking my chair
Kids over the age of 8 and all adults; no excuse for this whatsoever. Have enough self-awareness to know that the movement of your feet just might be affecting someone else. I won’t feel bad at all about turning around and being blunt with you. Parents who bring your younger children to the theater; I get it, they can be a handful at times. I have a 5 and 7 year old and sometimes it’s hard keeping them in two seats or less during the length of a film. But please, at least try to keep them calm and engaged in the movie.
7) All other annoying things
This is where you, the reader, come in. Help me fill out my 7th theater-going sin. What would you add to this list???