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Rant by Gene
I listen to a handful of podcasts of varying genre. Christian apologetics podcasts, movie review podcasts… actually, that’s about it, so I’m not near as diverse as I thought. Anyway, Battleship Pretension is one of those movie review podcasts I love. Tyler Smith (guest reviewer here) and David Bax discuss film, and on episode 405 recently David shared how irked he gets when people talk during the credits. That doesn’t bother me personally, but it did get me thinking about what does.
I’m sure you’ve all heard of the seven deadly sins. If not, watch the movie Se7en, or just read Proverbs 6:16-19 if you don’t have two hours of free time. You’ll notice that the sins from Se7en don’t exactly line up with that scripture, but nevermind that I’ve got a blog post to write. I thought it would be fitting to come up with the seven (not so) deadly sins of the theater-going experience. You should’ve read that last sentence with a booming echo and a “Dunt-Dut-DUHHHHH!!!”
Okay, here goes…
1) Talking during the movie
The most obvious and egregious of all theater-going sins. If you don’t have the respect for those around you to remain quiet then just wait for the rental and enjoy the movie at home. Save us all the awkward moment of deciding when to tell you to zip it.
2) Obnoxious laughter
Movies can be funny. I get it. We’re all laughing together and enjoying ourselves. But it’s not a competition on who can laugh the loudest or the longest. And don’t tell me, “that’s just how I laugh”. You’re a human being, not a donkey.
3) Multiple bathroom breaks
Know thy bladder. If you can’t handle a 32 oz. soda without needing to relieve yourself between sips then here’s a crazy idea; don’t get the soda! Actually, I swear by the salted popcorn principle. If you get a drink be sure to also get salted popcorn. Eat half that popcorn before you take your first drink. That salt gets into your system and helps your body retain the liquid longer, leading to less walking down the aisle and in front of the screen to interrupt my movie! You’re welcome.
4) Loud talking during trailers
There are occasions when I’m equally excited about a trailer before a movie as I am the movie itself. Many people treat this time pretty flippantly. It’s the first excuse given for arriving late. “All I missed was the trailers”. Yeah, well, I happen to like the trailers and so do a lot of people that actually got here on time. Your theater experience really begins with that first green screen notifying you of who that trailer is approved for. You know who it’s not approved for? People carrying on their conversations like they’re walking through a mall!
5) Nachos
Full disclosure here, I’ve been guilty of this before. In my defense, I always tried to finish them before the movie started. But alas, I’ve gotten wiser with age about this. We’re not at a baseball game. This isn’t your dining room. People want to hear what’s on the screen, not what’s going into my mouth.
6) Kicking my chair
Kids over the age of 8 and all adults; no excuse for this whatsoever. Have enough self-awareness to know that the movement of your feet just might be affecting someone else. I won’t feel bad at all about turning around and being blunt with you. Parents who bring your younger children to the theater; I get it, they can be a handful at times. I have a 5 and 7 year old and sometimes it’s hard keeping them in two seats or less during the length of a film. But please, at least try to keep them calm and engaged in the movie.
7) All other annoying things
This is where you, the reader, come in. Help me fill out my 7th theater-going sin. What would you add to this list???
ALL THAT CRACKLING WHEN OPENING YOUR FREAKIN’ CANDY! Seems like it takes 3-5 minutes. Do that BEFORE the movie!!
Hahaha. Oh man, guilty as charged here. I do try to wait for a loud action scene or something at least 🙂 Thanks Gary!
Open while you’re watching your beloved trailers!! LOL.
Ha! Duly noted sir.
Love the shout out to BP. David and Tyler have some hilarious stories about their experiences with obnoxious theater goers. #7 for me is underage kids in inappropriate movies. When I saw The Dark Knight in the theater (the first time), there was a couple two rows ahead of me who had, not one, but two toddlers with them! Inevitably, crying, talking, and potty breaks occurred throughout the whole movie, which was massively distracting. Not only that, but have some respect for your three year old who is probably going to have nightmares after watching such a dark and age inappropriate film. If you can’t afford a babysitter, wait until Redbox!
I had similar experiences with every action/violent movie I’ve ever seen in a theater. I feel so bad for the kids, and I am frustrated that someone would be so inconsiderate to their fellow movie-goers.
Thanks Sean! It’s funny you mention kids because I’ve also ranted on that…
https://lettherebemovies.com/2013/05/28/gene-rant-what-age-is-the-right-age/
In my case someone had brought their baby to Ghost Rider! I’m telling you, this kid was probably 1 year old. My oldest is 7 and while he enjoys most of the superhero movies out nowadays, I’m not comfortable yet taking him to the theater to watch those. Better seen in the comfort and control of home. Maybe in a few years.
Right behind talking during the movies would be YOUR PHONE! Put it on silent (not vibrate)–there are at least 3 reminders before every movie. Don’t text, twitter, Facebook, etc. DON’T LOOK AT IT! The noise and light is SO disturbing and distracting. And certainly DON’T answer it! (that would fall under rule #1, only even more annoying).
I agree. Turn it off or put it on airplane mode. People can live without their smart phones for 120 minutes.
Yeah, definitely. Now I do have to say that there are times I’ve pulled my phone out to make a note on something that I want to bring up in a review later. BUT, I’m always sure to situate myself so I’m not bothering anyway. Many times that means sitting in the back row. Also, my schedule is such that I catch many movies on Monday or Thursday nights. So in a small town there is usually just a couple other people there at the time. Good comment though!
Are you kidding? No PHONE-related sins? Last year this girl actually ANSWERED her freaking phone in the middle of the movie! And she was sitting right next to me. I thought my head was going to explode. But then I was caught in this quandary: Do I say something to the Arclight (fancy movie theater in Hollywood) staff, thereby causing further disruption as well as missing some of the movie? Or do I say nothing and let this person’s appalling rudeness go by without alerting to the fact that it is completely unacceptable? I sat there stunned and decided to continue watching the movie.
Oh wow, answering the phone is a definite LEAP over the line! I probably would’ve said something to the person in that case. If you gotta take a call, step out of the theater.
Texting and attempting to hide the light by shielding it from the movie screen. But I am sitting *behind* you and can see it very well….
Hahaha, yeah… I’ve been guilty of that before. I will sit in the back row if I plan to review a movie and expect to be taking some notes. I also typically go during times when very few people are there, if anyone at all. Good point though Elise, I gotta be more conscious of that.
Thanks!
Okay, this was the truth, but it was hilarious!
Thanks, Gene!
Why thank you Jerome!